Everywhere in America outside the Greater Miami area, the reac- tion to Janet Reno's dawn raid was not `Oh, my God, how could she do that?' but 'What took her so long?' Everyone was sick of Elian's 'Miami family': the pert young Marisleysis may have the cutest butt on network TV but most of us dearly wish some FBI sharpshooter would fire a tran- quiliser dart into it. Look, I like a conspiracy theory as much as the next guy, so how about this? Fidel's planted a radio transmitter in Elian's head and it emits this signal that drives any con- servative who comes within range com- pletely nuts. 'Elian's real father was kidnapped in Angola in the late Seventies.' But will Juan Miguel go along with it?' Juan Miguel is a secret police- man,' says Castro. `And the beauty of this scheme is, even if Janet Reno winds up killing the kid, we'll have another on standby. I want the guy who did Bob Dole's facelift, not some idiot with a couple of discarded Jacko nose jobs in the back of his filing cabinet.' 'Deal,' says Clinton. He won't be ready till mid-April earliest.' 'Good enough,' says Castro. We could use him as a decoy, but he's going to need extensive plastic surgery. There's a space midget we've been keeping at Area 51 in Roswell, New Mexico, who's about the same size as the kid. The point is, as I understand it, that Castro has the phone-sex tapes, so back in November, when Elian washes up in Flori- da, he says to Clinton, `Gimme the boy back or I'll make you look a laughing stock in the eyes of the world and your image as a respected, mature, dignified statesman will be irreparably damaged.' And Clinton says, `Okay, you win. Incidentally, what's the difference between Elian and Monica? With Elian, they went in to snatch the Cuban with Monica, the Cuban went into.
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